Mini Episode 7

Dear You,

We will be including todays letters into the show notes for your reading pleasure! They are both amazing

Ella:

Dear past self…

You’re a bad ass. You’re talented. You love this crazy competitive thing. 

You go to the Orange County School of The Arts (OCSA) in Santa Ana and are in the Musical Theater Conservatory. You auditioned to get into this school, it took years of voice lessons, dance training, and acting coach’s to get you where you are. And after you successfully got in you would think I would say “Good Job Ella!! You did it”… nope! You are so hard on yourself dude. You go to school from 8-5 every day. You go to an INCREDIBLY competitive school. You’re constantly compared to your friends on a daily basis. Its not easy to go up every day sing your heart out and literally lay yourself out there to (mostly) only hear the negatives.You have thick skin, you handle rejection (with lots of ice cream)… you really do. But sometimes you think to yourself… is it really worth it? I know I'm not the best in my class and thats okay, I want to learn I want to dig even more into this thing I love so much but my confidence is so low. I still get butterflies in my stomach just hearing that word Broadway. And cause I still have those butterflies I know its worth it. I can’t tell you how badly I want to be up there. I KNOW I will work hard, I will give it my all even when there’s nothing left to give. SO… PAST SELF. please, stop being so hard on yourself. You’re good at this thing, trust yourself, work hard, go out and audition for anything and everything… do your part.

Amanda

Dear Me,

Guess what?! You’re moving in with a BOY! I know, I know, you’re doing the math right now, and you are probably a bit perplexed that you are getting this letter from your 35-year-old self. You are probably hoping that by this time, I would be telling you that you have had a beautiful marriage with Justin Timberlake for many years. Keep your wits about you and hear me out, you horny little weirdo. Right now you are a sophomore in high school, and though you are a funny and likeable teen, you are also frizzy-haired and charming in a youthful way, so the whole “boyfriend” thing hasn’t really been a reality. You are still waiting not-so-patiently for the day you finally have a cute guy with whom you can walk down the hallway and hold hands. Now, I’ll be honest with you, you will not date a TON in high school and college, but you will have some fun, and you will learn a lot. Here are some things I want to tell you as you embark upon these next few phases of your life:

1. Your twenties are when you truly thrive in the dating world, when you live in New York City and view your sexuality as a thing to explore and enjoy. You will feel free and un-committed, and you will finally feel sexy and desired. It’s pretty cool, and totally empowering. More importantly, you are allowed to feel sexy and desired, without shame. Listen to your gut. You know what you want. 
2. You will experience some major heartbreaks, both in relationships and friendships, and even when you feel like you are in “the depths of despair,” (to quote the great Anne Shirley of Anne of Green Gables), you will realize your own strength eventually, and climb your way to happiness once again. You see, young Amanda, life is not just about boys. You will have to figure out who you are, and you have to allow for constant change and adjustment. 
3. You will have to learn and re-learn what it means to love and be loved, and you will…you must…learn that the most important relationship you need to cultivate is your relationship with yourself. Only when you allow that important relationship to be a priority will you be truly ready to be in love and committed. Now, this does not mean that you will always like yourself or know exactly what you’re doing, but you will treat yourself with a much-deserved kindness that will only be further strengthened by the kindness and unconditional love you share with Zach. (His name is Zach, by the way. Don’t worry, he’s cute. Calm down.).
4. You will experience a lot of changes, both internal and external. Since the age of nine, you have dreamed of living in New York City and being a Broadway star. You go to school for theatre, and you move to NYC in 2008, at the beginning of a giant economic recession. You live paycheck to paycheck, you audition, you occasionally perform, and you have many wonderful experiences during the next four years. You will also collapse on your floor and cry more often than I want to tell you. And…you will realize, with great reluctance, that New York City is not the final destination for you. This may be one of the biggest heartbreaks you ever experience. You will carry it with you. But you will be okay. You will realize that it takes strength to look back at your nine-year-old self and break that promise to her, and to trust your 27-year-old self instead. 
5. Even though you think that leaving New York City would be the biggest change in your life, those changes just keep on coming. And they should! I am sure that my 45-year-old self would tell me the same thing if she were writing to me right now. You can both mourn and celebrate the ebb and flow of your existence. You have been a nomad since birth, moving from place to place and making a home out of impermanence, and this will continue. The challenge will be the moment you decide to stay somewhere for a while. Being stationary will become the next big adventure. 
6. After breaking up with New York City in 2012, breaking up with theatre in 2016 will be your next big heartbreak, but one that you have to enforce for your own mental health. You will take time to explore, and you will find new interests. You will apply to graduate school and move to Maine to become a school counselor, and you will find solace in yoga and spinning classes. You will even become a spinning instructor! I know! You are currently taking academic exemptions from gym, so this one is probably hard to believe, but young Amanda, it is never too late to find the beauty of endorphins and athletics. Give it time. Basically, keep your eyes and heart open, and do not feel guilty or foolish for desiring a different path. You have not wasted your time. Everything you have done is a step toward the next part of your journey. 
7. Finally, stop searching for “perfect.” It doesn’t exist. The perfect man, the perfect life, the perfect job…nope. Not a real thing. You are never going to be perfect. Embrace that, right now. You will thank me later.

Young Amanda, I am so excited for you. Despite the ups and downs, the triumphs and the tears, you have a privileged and beautiful life. You are loved. You are valued. Even when you are in your deepest pit of Depression and Anxiety, you know that love and value is there, and that little light will keep you safe. Keep working on loving yourself, it is totally allowed and will someday soon be a very popular outlook - “self-care” and “self-love” are all the rage right now, and should be! The most important request I have for you is to hold on to your kindness, empathy, and zest for life. Some will tell you that you are naïve, some will tell you that you are a push-over or a door-mat, and sure, you need to work on holding your head high in the face of conflict. However, you radiate joy, you laugh loudly, and you love deeply. Honor those qualities. They are some of your best. 

Love,

Me

Thank you both for submitting your letters! We appreciate you os much

Love,

Us